I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
