Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
