So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
