He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
