Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
