How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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