Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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