I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
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He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
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You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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