She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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