when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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