it was like his penis was on wheels.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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