I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Randomize
