i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
