doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
