Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
