Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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