Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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