I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
