So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
