Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
