do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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