Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
