I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
