Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
