When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
