Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
