i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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