walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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