Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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