I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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