Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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