What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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