just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
