Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
