You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
