i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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