I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
this beer tastes like vomit already
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
