If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
