I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
