i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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