So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
ttyl tear gas
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
