Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
