I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
vagina is talking i cant
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
