life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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