but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
