Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
