my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
