I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
