My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
