I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
