Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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