Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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