Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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