Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
