I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
