If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
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I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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