i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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