When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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