How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
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OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
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The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
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